Health & Fitness

The Most Horrible Workout Ever

September 2, 2020

There is a first time for everything they say and I hit a new “first” today. I invite you to read on.

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The Most Horrible Workout Ever

There is a first time for everything they say and I hit a new “first” today. I invite you to read on.

I work out – sporadically – and by sporadically I mean that I become obsessed with something (HIIT, Spin, Running, Hip Hop, Surfing) and I dive in head first working out every day. And then Ms. Sporadic comes along and I surf the couch (get the surfing reference above?) for a week, a month, a quarter….. I’m blessed that I can always dive back in without a problem. Sure, I might be short of breath for a workout or two and I might not be able to get out of my chair for a couple of days but for me working out is like riding a bike. Until today.

I joined a new gym. Some call it a country club. Its close to my house and it has a bar. I mean, come on, a gym with a bar? I signed up – for the tennis and swimming leagues, for the indoor racquetball courts, for the multitude of classes including pilates, yoga, reiki (what is reiki?), for the SPA – I mean, I can work out and then get a blow out – heck ya – but really, the cafe and the bar were HUGE selling points. With my new membership I received a free hair cut, a free massage, a free tennis lesson, a free personal training session, a free nutrition session and more free things that I can’t remember. So today I met with my new trainer.

I’ve had personal trainers before. My ultimate fav was Bart and I contacted Bart a few months ago but he has become so sought after by pro athletes that he literally didn’t have a free hour in his schedule. Bart gets me. He gets that I don’t like burpees. He gets that I can be a little sassy. He gets that I say “No, I’m not going to do that”…. and Bart makes me do it anyway. But, Bart’s schedule and my schedule weren’t compatible so enter trainer from the gym.

I’m leary about meeting new trainers. Female trainers don’t push me hard enough so I have to have a male. Enter M. He was born in my decade (or maybe a year in the next) so I’m feeling pretty good about our ability to relate to each other. He’s fit but not overly muscled so that I feel inferior. He’s impressed with my athletics as a child and my workout endeavors as an adult. We are off to a good start.

We dive in to some athletic conditioning. We start on the bike….intervals he says…. I think “I hate you”. The bike blows air on your face, generated from the front wheel, as you pedal. I am generating my own air conditioning. This isn’t bad…1 minute, 2 minutes…. “Get your RPMs up over 65 consistently for 30 seconds” he says. My thighs are getting tight. “Go 30 seconds and then drop down to a comfortable pace for 30 seconds, then kick it up again”. For the first two minutes of my ride I thought we might be friends…. now I’m rethinking my level of friendship commitment to you.

We move to ropes, then abs, then ropes, then abs, then squats, then lunges, back to the damn bike, then ropes, then abs, then squats, then lunges with a twist all without stopping.Sweat is pouring out of me….My hair, that I spent TWO HOURS blowing out today is all kinky and curly again….

I’m rethinking this whole gym thing.


I puked.

Thank God I made it to the trash can. Never mind that the opening was on the side….I shoved my head as far as it would go in that thing and hurled…..

Pride gone…..And, can you believe that when I was done he put me right back on those damn ropes and started the circuit all over again.

Tomorrow is a new day. I won’t be able to walk. I won’t be able to lift my arms above my shoulders. I probably won’t be able to even get up from the toilet but I can sleep well knowing that my puking aim was ON POINTE.

Next session on Tuesday.

Please pray for me.


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Lover of Peloton, brussel sprouts and prosecco (with a tiny splash of Pom), I ditched the stiletto heels and pencil skirts of corporate America for the business coach uniform of boyfriend jeans, wedges and cute t-shirts . One thing that remains constant is my love for flaunting my personality with bold statement jewelry pieces (and my penchant for always respectfully telling it like it is). I prefer coffee over tea, cake over pie and I rarely meet a bottle of wine I don't like. Are we destined to be besties? Hit the contact tab!

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